RAM: The Open Book

As I walked along the patio outside the building, I noticed that the ocean was receding more than usual. This building stood alone along a short, desolate coast. No trees. Just sand and sun, the building, and the ocean. As I watched the surf move away from me, further and further, I felt curious, then a wave of panic hit me. I couldn’t move. Then, the wave started moving towards land, gaining speed and height as it moved. Running into the building I headed straight for the staircase. Up. I had to go up. I made it to the fourth floor when the wave hit the building just below me. The sea green surf did not look menacing, although I knew it was. From my vantage point I watched as the surf pulled away again going further out off shore. The next wave, bigger than the last hurtled towards the building and I continued to climb up the stairs. The surf continued to break on the floor just below mine. The building shook, but held tight, with each hit of the water. After a few repetitions of the surf and me climbing ever higher in the building, I finally reached the second to last floor. The thirty-ninth of a forty story building. The waves had been pounding the structure, but it held fast. The last wave broke near the thirty-seventh floor and the waves splashed up to the window I was standing in front of. I was terrified, mystified. When will it stop? Will it ever stop?, I thought. The next wave hit the middle of the windows on the floor where I stood. A man, the only other person here, was standing next to them, looking out. The windows bowed with the weight of the wave and the water pushing on it, but it did not break. The sea green was clean and there was no thing, no dirt, no animals, no people, no fish, no thing in the water. I couldn’t bear the weight of the the water on the window and woke up. My heart pounding in my chest.

God. He had very white skin and very white, shoulder length hair. Whiter than white. True white. Pure white. Not a white people white. And he wore white shorts and nothing else. He looked like some guy who had lived near the ocean all his life – relaxed, smiling, laid-back, kind of like a retired surfer. He wore glasses. He smiled. He padded around my apartment in white flip-flops, picking something up off the table and putting it on the counter, taking something out of the frigo and putting it on the table. He fluffed a pillow on the couch. I slept. I was comfortable in this bed, not all the way asleep, yet no where near awake. The white light shone brightly through the windows in the room. Even so, I was sleeping in my very own bed, with my very own blankets. I was in a room that had no time limit. It was my room for however long I wanted it. The man in the very white shorts was taking care of things. Taking care of me. He put a white mug of brown, steaming, tea on the table next to my bed. Everything in the room was white, except for my favorite blankets. When my eyes opened slightly he would smile and say ” Don’t worry, everything is fine”. I trusted him. I said “OK”.

When He is around I do not sleep. He snores. But when I am alone, and sleeping, I live in the land of night dreams. I spend my nights soaring over the countryside in flight, or swimming with the whales in a crytal clear blue ocean. I don’t need to breathe in dreamland. I can go anywhere. When I am in the air, sometimes I tire of flying, my arms outstretched like a bird’s wings, wind whipping my hair straight over my back. So I take a plane instead. I chuckle when I do that … I have my own stewardess who happily serves me while I fly. (She knows when she has found a good dream and things could be worse than serving me in dreamland :) While I fly I search for things that I need in my everyday life. Looking for answers to my problems. Looking for a clue card. Looking for an escape. Lately it is all about escape. I take vacations while I sleep. Looking for things that make me happy. Looking for places where I am comfortable. I rest on the beach. I read. I meditate. I paint (of course). I write. In my dreams my life is so peaceful. Loving, even. In my dreams, my life makes sense.